Reader’s Letters Page

And another mail from serial complainer ex Vice Captain, Captain Holland

neil holland
Sun 05/11/2017, 11:14
Firstly I would like to congratulate the committee on organising a splendid smoker which seemed to be enjoyed by all. I only heard one moan from bulletheid .  I quote “there is not enough granules in the gravy”.
The night however was  marred by a lack of attention to health and safety issues. The table we were  at was extremely wobbly which resulted in wine being spilt on my impeccable white shirt. Evidence of this is attached. Despite the attentions of the nice waitress to clean it of and the efforts of my lovely wife the wine stains cannot be removed.
I have therefore had to purchase a new shirt at a cost of £25. It is with regret I will be invoicing the Stationmasters for this amount as they are the responsible party.
I look forward to receiving this compensation in the near future.
Best Regards
Ex Vice Captain, Captain Holland.
Former Vice Captain, Captain Holland slavers wine down his new shirt
Dear Captain Holland, we are so pleased that you enjoyed our ‘splendid’ smoker but extremely surprised to hear that Bullitheid was complaining. This is most out of character for him. With regard to your unfortunate accident – we are afraid that certain details of your ‘story’ just don’t seem to add up. For a start, there is your Previous Record to consider. Where drink is concerned, trouble always follows. Secondly there is your co-conspirator who shall remain nameless. Yes, whenever Mr Muir is involved, the outcome is invariably messy. In making your fake trumpesque claim for damages, you have failed to consider that the committee may have taken their duty of care responsibilities seriously in this case. In fact, I personally carried out a detailed Risk Assessment prior to the start of the event and can assure you that none of the tables were shoogly. When you approached me on the evening to complain, it was obvious to any halfwit that the wine in question would have had to jump approximately 400mm off the table in order to land on your shirt as indicated. A shoogly table would never have produced this result. It is clear that you simply dropped the glass, probably after having consumed too much of the contents. I’m afraid no-one in their right mind would believe that any of your shirts was worth £25 and we put it to you that you fabricated this whole incident to deflect from the fact that a) the wine was stolen from the top table in the first place, b) you were sozzled when the incident occured and c) you were scared to go home to your lovely wife with a wine-stained shirt – again! All this not-withstanding, we very much look forward to seeing you at next year’s dinner when perhaps you should stick to lemonade.
Yours drinkingresponsibly,
The Committee

Check out our reader’s letter in response to Captain Holland’s photo on Latest News in Pictures.

Peter Coutie

Dear Sir,

I note with interest the obviously doctored photograph of an aged balding blue nose under the heading of ‘Masters member in Madrid’ and would like to suggest that the editor amend the comment below the photograph to ‘is there no beginning to this man’s talent’. This is a man with no co – ordination or ability who reached the peak of his intellectual capacity while cleaning shoes in the pro centre toilets. Please don’t broadcast the fact that he is unfortunately a member of this club.

Yours enviously, Peter Coutie.

  • a brief reminder of the photo in question:
    Is there no limit to this man’s talent?


Dear Peter, we accept that the subject of the photograph may be ‘balding and aged’, but we must take particular exception to the offensive and Trumpesque description of Captain Holland as a ‘blue nose’. Everyone knows that the former sea-farer is a bone-fide Dundee FC supporter and sponsor of the most impecible character. Coming from a DAB such as yourself, this particular assault on the Capatian’s integrity is indeed most disturbing. We would be grateful if you could modulate your comments in future.

Yours weerinthepremierleaguely,

The Editor 


A quick response from a disgruntled Secretary!

Peter Coutie

I have read with interest the editor’s reply to David Leighton Muir regarding the ‘Holland incident’. I was amazed at the way he, (the editor), tried to pass blame, re dominos’ to the hard working real golfers who, having applied the hickory to the feathers for 13 holes then organised three competitions to the enjoyment and satisfaction of the hardy souls who braved the elements. One would almost think that the editor is the club captain Jim Simpson who called off golf on the day with ‘brain gout’ which has obviously not left him if he thinks that it is not about winning but the ‘completion’ that counts. I concur with David’s worry and unease about ‘Hollands’ behaviour and can only surmise that this is a malaise that affects people over a certain age.

Dear Sec. Coutie, we are sorry you appear to have taken exception to the criticism levelled against you and and your fellow ‘organiser’ of the afternoon games competitions. It’s not a question of ‘blame’ as you suggest, simply a re-affirmation of Mr Muir’s observation regarding the lack of organisation on your part. We would in fact go as far as to suggest that the organisational ‘fiasco’ was in part, responsible for Capt. Holland’s aberation. As for Captain Simpson, we would point-out that he valiantly turned-out to see the golfers off in the morning and took part in the afternoon competition despite suffering the serious discomfort and pain associated with gout. A sterling effort in anyone’s book!

Yours painfully, The Editor.

The first reader’s letter of 2016 (hopefully not the last!!)

Captain Neil Holland…… again!

Muir, David|


Fri 08/01/2016 16:20

Firstly I would like to take this opportunity to thank and congratulate the committee on an almost perfect organisation of the recent Texas scramble day.  The most important part was of course the golf and the triumphant team were very worthy and deserved winners.  The games afternoon was also very enjoyable but not so well organised, particularly the pool fiasco.  The less said about the dominoes the better other than I suggest referees be appointed for all ties next year.  I understand this is still trending #bonesgate.

We await the outcome of the disciplinary hearing but hope for leniency and that Captain Neil Holland will at most only be banned from the “bones” next year and not all competitions.

You will see from the attached photo that Captain Holland is under stress awaiting his fate he even had to have a nap during his Gym workout today!!!

Yours in sport.

David Leighton Muir

neil sleeping




Dear David, what a breath of fresh air it is it receive a semi-complimentary e-mail from a life-long member of the Club. The 2015 Texas Scramble sub-committee acknowledge that the overall organisation was nearly perfect, however, the fact that Captain Simpson was incapacitated by a bout of gout, unfortunately led to a hiccup in the usual smooth running of the event, resulting in a minor blemish in the games afternoon management. This activity, you may remember, was left in the hands of Secretary Coutie and ordinary member Stan Shepherd and try as they might, they just couldn’t get to grips with the complexities of the task in hand. ‘Fiasco’ is perhaps a bit harsh, but the fact that Bob Gillespie who was knocked-out in the 1st round of the bones found his way into the quarter-final of the competition, requires some explanation!  As for the behaviour of your team-mate (who shall remain nameless), we are afraid that there is no ‘Neil Holland’ in ‘team’ – consequently you are all collectively responsible. Given that the Scramble sub-committee meet only once a year, your team will have to wait until next Christmas to learn what sanctions (if any) you may face. The fact that the culprit seems to be having trouble sleeping at night since the unfortunate incident will in no way influence the potential disciplinary judgement of the sub-committee.

This notwithstanding, can we express our sincere thanks to your team-mate (who shall remain nameless) for supplying the photograph of your unfortunate colleague. Rodney has excelled himself on this occasion! Perhaps your team should reflect over the next few months on the fact that it is ‘the taking part’ in completion that is important – not the winning!!

Yours reflectively and sportingly.

THE COMMITTEE.            

 Readers Letters 2015

At last – another reader’s letter (albeit anonymous):


Sent: 07 June 2015 09:38:38

Dear Committee, I am most distressed to see former Club Pro Steve Logan, reduced to having to stoop to a menial job in order to ‘make ends meet’. Why, oh why, oh why can’t the Committee return to the good old days and re-instate Logan to his rightful position as Club Pro?

Yours worriedly, Anon.

Dear Anon,

Firstly we must take exception over your description of Logan’s new career as menial. This is a noble profession practised by highly motivated, proficient and talented individuals. Secondly, you may remember that Logan actually ‘went in the huff’ after the Committee commissioned USPGA Pro Bruce Wilmott to make a couple of excellent teaching videos for our members (available at ‘Archive Video’). The fact that Logan spent extended periods abroad on holiday, didn’t help matters. This said, the Committee would look favourably on trialling a new ‘Helpful Hints with Steve’ spot if Logan was so minded.

Yours fairly, The Committee

Steve Logan in his heyday
Steve Logan in his heyday


Our first Reader’s Letters Post

For those of you familiar with our old website … our first Reader’s letter comes from an old favourite. Or, from a Committee perspective – an old trouble-maker!

From: David Muir
Sent: 08 February 2015 10:58:51
To: station masters (

Attached confirms Steve now in receipt of his fees notification.

Yours in sport always available to improve the poor administration performance of the committee.

David Leighton Muir

logan fee

Dear David, thank you so much for this, the first reader’s letter published on or new website! Many thanks also for passing-on Mr Logan’s Membership renewal notice to him as promised. Little did we know however that, when you offered to deliver the letter to Mr Logan, in your own words “to avoid any delays”, you would take over two weeks to do so, thus failing miserably to live-up to your promise. Your tardiness has subjected your friend and playing partner to the ignominy of being recently pursued by the Committee’s debt recovery section. Perhaps you could advise whether the “Committee’s poor performance admin department” should send the Excess Penalty Fee Notice for late payment of fees, to yourself or directly to Mr Logan?

Yours administratively, The Committee

2 thoughts on “Reader’s Letters Page”

  1. How refreshing in this age of transparency to at last find the committee admitting in print that they are working on a ‘fix’. As all honourable members are aware this has been endemic in the upper echelons of the club for many years as can be seen from virtually all previous correspondence relating to competitions.
    Perhaps the committee are victim of the same download problem as the eclectic results and this information was not meant for general release since they haven’t so far managed to adjust the outcome to have one of their own in the lead.
    Watch this space!
    A reluctant cynic.

    1. Dear Mr Jeans, thank you so much for your enlightening comment. We are of course distraught that you seem to be suggesting some sort of impropriety in respect of your Committee’s competition management. A Committee that prides itself on maintaining the highest standards of integrity and moral fortitude in all the work we carry out on behalf of you, the ordinary membership. We are also most disappointed that a gentleman with your undoubted command of the English language should confuse the meaning of ‘fix’ in this context. With regard to the Eclectic competition, you will be aware that the player in the lead at this stage is largely academic, given the disparity in the number of holes recorded by each competitor to date. Please be assured that when all players have recorded the required number of scores, we will ensure that the upload accurately records the winning member, Committee or not! In the meantime, we will endeavour to address the current technical glitch and in order to avoid any further mis-understanding, we have amended the wording of our notification.
      Yours efficiently, The Committee

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